The Tiny Corners Journal

I had this dream last night.  It was one of those very long, drawn out dreams - it seemed to last forever and jumped back and forth on the brief stepping stones of wakefulness throughout the night.

I have several varieties of recurring dreams.  I used to (and rarely still do) dream of the ocean.  At some point I began to dream of cities - usually New York but sometimes Chicago or others.  In the past couple years, I have dreamed of Williamsburg.  I am usually lost in my city dreams, searching and climbing open-air white staircases, or wandering unknown streets.  I am lost and seeking my friends.  The Williamsburg dreams generally include my Dad in some way, and I am always trying to get to the colonial parts before they close down for the night.  Old Navy has had more than a few cameos in my WBG dreams.  Heh.

Last night’s dream is still a bit jumbled.  I distinctly remember the main part, but the edges are fuzzy.  I was away from home, on a trip with friends.  It was a mesh of all three dream themes, but entirely different.  We were cooking for each other, and that was very important for me in the dream.  But there were tunnels to navigate — not necessarily dark or eerie, but child-tunnels — the kind you see kids happily climb through in city playgrounds.

In a particularly open and colorful part of a tunnel, I was pulled aside and kissed by a man who in waking life I once had an interest; an interest that was not reciprocated.  In the dream, he said, “Ask me any question, and I will answer.”  But I stumbled with words, though I knew I only wanted to ask “Why now?  Why here?  Why not then?”  So I was quiet, but we continued through the tunnel as a couple, and when we emerged we held hands and worked on plans to cook for our friends.  Lasagna, maybe?  I almost recall something like that.

…

I do love dreaming, and I do love to attempt to interpret dreams.  It was a beautiful and vibrant dream - joyous, even; but when I awoke and realized it wasn’t reality, I began to feel bitter and alone.  These feelings have clouded my head all day in not so pleasant ways.

I have been feeling especially lonely lately.  I dislike saying that; it pisses me off.  I am stubborn and want to be independent.  I don’t want to want the feel of another’s lips on mine to be the thing that puts me at ease.  But sometimes I *do* want that - need it even - despite all I’ve heard about how one should be happy in being alone in order to be happy with another.

…

Sigh.  And smile.  Writing about it to the zero+ people who actually read this has helped me.  Yes, I’m lonely as hell, frustrated and…scared.  But it’s good to talk.  And especially to talk about this dream, which has stayed with me today, for the good or the bad.